How to Support Others Through Grief and Suffering
Everyone wants friends. It’s a natural part of life. You have pictured yourself building community with others through kid’s birthday parties, vacations, pizza nights, community groups, church, coffee dates, or long walks. However, oftentimes, no one wants to really admit when and how lasting friendships are forged.
Lasting FRIENDSHIPS are forged through suffering together.
From time to time, we will all find ourselves in a relationship with a friend who’s going through a hard time. You know what I’m talking about; it’s the tragedy that everybody is talking about, but no one wants to live.
We have been there. We have been through trauma, grief, and suffering that was too much for some of our family and friends. They didn’t know what to say, so they didn't say anything. Or they said too much without listening. Or they couldn’t find the strength to sit with us in our hard seasons.
It’s hard to admit that we lost some close relationships during the kid’s NICU and diagnosis stage. And almost five years later, I’m learning that it’s ok. Not everyone knows how to walk with someone who is suffering. But, if you are reading this, then I am hoping YOU are a person wanting to stick it out. Wanting to develop those lasting friendships. I promise it’s worth it. I promise that you can develop all the tools, skills, words, and actions to walk with your friend (if you want to).
I've been meaning to write this post for quite some time and finally sat down to do it. A friend texted me just this morning, sharing that their close friend got a cancer diagnosis for their toddler. She texted me saying, “My husband and I want to be good friends during this season. We would love to know helpful things to do and not to do.” I responded, “You are already a great friend and they are lucky to have you.” It can become uncomfortable and you might not know what to do or not do. Here are some “boots on the ground” things to help be a friend who
ENTERS into suffering instead of EXITING.
What does it look like to be a good friend during a hard season?
Sitting with your friend as their child has a seizure.
Showing up as your friend is puking through chemo treatments.
Cooking and providing your friend with food while they are taking care of a dying parent.
Cleaning their house while they lie in bed crying and mourning a lost loved one.
Sending a card or gift and recognizing the anniversary of a date.
Opening your home to a friend who is leaving their spouse.
Showing up, not just in the beginning of a tragedy, but through every stage.
What are some helpful items, gifts, or acts of service?
Do: Text, “1. I will come cut your grass on Saturday at 8 a.m. or
2. I will come Saturday and take care of your kids from 8 a.m. - 2 p.m., so you can rest. Just reply 1 or 2.” (Or maybe you are close enough just to DO IT) (Don’t text and ask “What do you need?”)
Do: Give cash. It may sound simple and not helpful, BUT cash allows families to cover various expenses they may have. For example, every time you park at CHOA, it’s $5. Or did you know that parent’s meals at a hospital stay are not covered, only the patients.
Do: Call, Text, or Email expecting no responses. Don’t write the story for them (give them the opportunity to ignore or reply).
Do: Still invite them to parties and extended invitations.
Do: Stock their pantry and freezer with non-perishables. Or, providing a meal or gift cards are always great. Don’t text them to coordinate. Someone close to them has probably already taken the role. If not, ask your friend if you can be their meal coordinator.
Do: Pray for them. Ask or read their updates on how you can pray for specifics for your friend. (more on dos and don’ts of this below)
Do: Call and listen to your friend cry and vent. Don’t try to make it better by sharing a story, “I knew someone who had ____ and now is fine.”
Do: Take care of their extended family. This is crucial for your friend to have the support they need. Take their parents dinner or their immediate support team a care package.
Personal gifts and blessings we have been recipients of:
QT Gas cards for a year
Lawn Mowing Service for 6 months
House Cleaning Service before we came home from hospital
Riding with us to appointments
Massage gift cards and date nights
Cash
Deep freezer delivered and stocked with food
Encouraging cards and pictures to hang in hospital rooms
Counseling sessions
Hotel rooms paid for to provide respite
Childcare covered
Called the hospital and personally paid for room bill
The above list is a SAMPLE of easy ways and extravagant ways to love others.
Please know that the BEST way to support someone during a difficult season is to make it EASY ON THEM.
I also want to share some sayings, actions, and thoughts that can come across hurtful.
“God will not give you more than you can handle.”
“There is a season for everything.”
“God’s in Charge.”
“Time heals.”
“You’re young, you can still have more children.”
“I know exactly how you feel.”
“People have been through worse.”
“You have to be strong.”
“Everything happens for a reason.”
“Gosh, I can’t imagine.”
“I would never be able to do what you are doing.”
At the end of the day it is better to NOT say anything than to just share a comment without thinking through the repercussions of your words. Now, I don’t mean to actually not say anything, what I mean is you can simply respond with, “That sucks.” or “I have no idea what to say, but I want you to know that I am listening.” or “I have no words to offer you, but I do know that I love you.”
If you are a believer, please tread carefully. Especially if the tragedy or suffering is fresh. They do not need to be reminded that God is good, or that our God is a God of healing or that God’s got this (There will be a time and right person for this, but it might not be you). The reason I share this is because you are not God. You do not know the outcome of the situation, nor do you know what God is telling them. So, instead of projecting YOUR thoughts onto them, why don’t you ask them for one specific thing you can pray for.
(Prayers on healing and how to pray through suffering will definitely be a whole blog post in the future. So much of my belief about healing and blessings have changed as I walk more and more with those who suffer.)
One incredible resource that I have found helpful when praying for others who are hurting is the book, “Every Moment Holy.” They have liturgies for hospital stays, cancer, death, operations, births, you name it.
This is a very brief overview of grief and suffering in friendships. I do hope you learned something. I would love for you to share with others or let me know what has been helpful for you during hard seasons!